MOURNING

Grief is a painful process caused by the loss of a beloved pet, and how it is experienced depends on several factors, such as the circumstances of the loss, our personality, and the presence of family and friends.



We know there is no magic formula for dealing with grief or a universal solution to eliminate sadness. It is with this in mind that this guide was created, which we hope will help people going through grief, as well as those who know someone who is grieving, to understand the process and cope a little better with the difficulties of loss.


The guide is divided into 4 parts:

To understand

Mourning

Help to cope

with grief

Difficulties

with grief

How to help someone

going through grief

UNDERSTANDING GRIEF

Grief is the process of experiencing and coping with a loss that affects our lives, such as the end of a relationship, the death of a loved one or pet, or even the loss of a job. This feeling is accompanied by profound pain and sadness.

The way we experience grief depends greatly on the circumstances of the loss, our personality, how we deal with difficult times, the availability of support from family and friends, among many other factors. But, in general, there are some common phases in processing grief and coping with loss. These are:


Denial

The shock produced by loss causes us to deny the facts, out of a need for self-defense, consciously or unconsciously. Denial can manifest itself in feelings of numbness, disbelief, and absence.


Anger

After denial, anger sets in and is directed at everything and everyone, even oneself or God. We cannot understand why we are going through this experience and we feel wronged.

This phase involves repetitive questioning, usually linked to guilt. It's when we try to negotiate with God or with fate, asking ourselves if things could have been different, if we could have avoided what happened, etc.


Depression

This is the deepest stage of grief, when we feel prolonged sadness, disinterest in usual activities, and a desire to isolate ourselves from the world and from socializing with other people. Physical symptoms such as insomnia, weight loss, or loss of appetite are common.


Acceptance

When we realize that, despite the loss being enormous and irreversible, we are able to live with it and move on. Gradually, the sad thoughts diminish, giving way to positive memories of the loved one or pet.

It's important to remember that all these feelings are normal in situations of grief, and that there's nothing wrong with seeking help from friends, family, or professionals such as psychologists and psychotherapists.


What are the most common reactions in the grieving process?

When we experience a loss, the reactions are varied and occur on several levels: physical, mental, social, emotional, and cognitive.

We may feel like we're losing our footing, as if the world is collapsing all at once, or we may feel numb, with a sense of disbelief, as if we were in a dream, about to wake up from a nightmare at any moment. We may feel anger, a lump in our throat, lack of energy, dry mouth, confusion, loss of appetite, hyperactivity, and even relief.

This whirlwind of symptoms is normal, and we should allow it to occur so that the grieving process can run its natural course.


The website of the Instituto de Psicologia 4 Estações (Four Seasons Institute of Psychology) has a very comprehensive list about this:

  • Feelings: shock, sadness, guilt, anger and hostility, loneliness, agitation, anxiety, fatigue, longing to be with the deceased person; helplessness and relief.
  • Physical sensations: emptiness in the stomach, tightness in the chest, lump in the throat, hypersensitivity to noise, feeling of depersonalization (like walking down the street and feeling that nothing is real, including ourselves); shortness of breath; muscle weakness; lack of energy; dry mouth; susceptibility to illnesses, especially illnesses related to low immunity, stress, or lack of health care.
  • Cognitions: disbelief; confusion, memory and concentration deficits; obsessive thoughts; sense of presence; hallucinations.
  • Behaviors: sleep disturbance; loss or increase in appetite; increased consumption of psychotropic drugs, alcohol, and tobacco; "absent-minded" behavior; social isolation; avoiding things that remind one of the deceased person; searching for and calling out to the person; dreams about the deceased; hyperactivity and restlessness.

How long does mourning last?

It's impossible to say precisely. Each person deals with grief in their own way, but in the case of the loss of a loved one, it's common for this process to take 1 to 2 years. Regarding pets, we don't have research on this topic.

Some signs that a person is progressing through the grieving process include: being able to talk about the deceased person or pet without pain or crying, although they may still feel sadness; regaining an interest in life; and adapting to new roles.


Support for coping with grief

Grief Therapy

Often, to help cope with grief, it is necessary to seek professional help from specialized healthcare providers. Services are offered individually or in groups.


What not to say to someone who is grieving.


Using expressions that downplay what happened, such as "this too shall pass," "it was for the best," "time heals all wounds," etc.

  • Making comparisons with other tragedies, thinking that this will serve as consolation.
  • To blame the bereaved person for not yet having overcome the loss.
  • To relativize loss, as if there were a hierarchy of grief. "Losing a pet is worse than losing your parents."


How to help someone through grief



Not knowing what to say to someone who has suffered a loss is common. Because Brazilian society, and Western society in general, tend to ignore death and situations of loss, we don't feel prepared to help someone who is grieving. In fact, the most important thing is to express your affection and support in a genuine way. Words like "I'm sorry," "I'm here with you," and "count on me" are appropriate. Your presence, more than anything else, is what matters. All a person needs in these difficult moments is genuine solidarity, something that can also be called empathy.


What can bosses do for someone who is grieving?

  • Managers should study grief to understand it and know what to expect in terms of behavioral change.
  • The boss should respect the employee's privacy and ask if they wish to announce the funeral to colleagues. If they agree, the presence of acquaintances can be important for them to feel supported.
  • To offer help with practical work-related issues.
  • Upon returning to work, respect your colleague's feelings and avoid making positive comments to try and cheer them up, such as: "keep your chin up," "this will pass," etc.
  • Don't try to force conversations about what happened. The bereaved person will give signs if they want to talk and with whom about the matter.
  • If the manager believes that the employee is having significant difficulty coping with grief, they can speak with HR and suggest psychological or psychiatric treatment. This does not mean that the employee should be removed from work.


How to help someone in the first days of grief.

When we lose someone we love, it feels like the ground opens up beneath us and we're swallowed by grief. At the same time, we know we have to be strong and face the situation, deal with the rites of burial and farewell. In these circumstances, it's natural to have reactions such as crying spells, apathy, changes in sleep, appetite, and mood. Or to feel detached from everything, as if the situation weren't real. It seems like everything has lost its meaning and that everyday tasks are too difficult, or pointless, to perform.

Therefore, anyone who wants to help someone experiencing recent grief can offer to help with daily tasks until the bereaved person is able to gradually resume their routine. This is a time of great vulnerability and suffering, as it is when one realizes that they will have to return to daily life without their loved one. Everything is as it always was, and yet everything has changed completely.

I don't know what to do to help.

Make space for the bereaved to talk and be available to listen patiently, with support and without judgment. If they don't want to talk, don't force them. Just be present without pressuring them. Remember that the grieving process can be long and that there are no normal or abnormal ways to experience it. Furthermore, you can help by offering to take care of practical matters such as going to the bank, doing housework, or helping with the children. Try to call or be present on holidays that usually bring sadness: Christmas, birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, etc. Show affection with small gestures: a cake, a plant, a book.


What not to do:

  • Avoid grieving people.
  • Not attending a funeral because you don't like "those things"
  • Pressuring someone to talk, go out, or do activities for which they don't feel prepared.



What to do when a coworker is grieving.

If a colleague or employee has lost a loved one, no matter how close you are, talk to them as soon as possible and express your solidarity, saying you are sorry and asking if they need help with work. This will make them feel supported and cared for.

The months following the loss of a loved one are marked by profound behavioral changes, including at work. The employee may experience difficulty concentrating, sadness, discouragement, sleep problems, mood swings, changes in eating habits, etc. Managers should make it clear that they understand and respect this difficult time when the employee may not be as productive. And colleagues should help them in any way possible.

Text adapted by MV Micael Fernandes - Veterinarian